Never Had
by Piano4Life
Summary: "There was no writing on the wall, No warning signs to follow. I know now, and I just can't forget. You're the best I never had." A final goodbye between two friends torn apart by destiny.


_I've been gone for so long now,_  
 _Chasing everything that's new._  
 _I've forgotten how I got here,_  
 _But I've not forgotten you._

Kylo Ren was perfectly tranquil in his private chamber as he meditated, his space-black eyes closed and his mask laying beside him. He tried to retrace his steps, tracking how far he'd risen in the Dark Side and in the First Order.

He remembered the deal with Luke, the secret he shared with no one. He remembered the night of the massacre, the night Ben Solo was purged from Kylo Ren. He remembered his first public appearance as Snoke's most elite apprentice. The years in between were a blur. All the years leading up to this day blurred together as well. Kylo stopped counting long ago. He didn't remember the last time he'd had a birthday. How old was he, anyway? Late twenties? Early  
thirties? Kylo had no way of knowing.

The memories of his parents were slowly, but steadily, fading, too. Kylo briefly wondered where his father might be, where the vagabond Han Solo might be running off to. Was his mother still leading the Resistance the same way Kylo now commanded the First Order? Did General Leia Organa still harbor a hope for the Republic?

Kylo's thoughts drifted from his parents to a memory lane Ben Solo hadn't walked in too many years.

Kylo paused as he felt a familiar face in his mind, one that years of separation had not yet worn away. Smooth tanned skin, a splash of dark brown curls that matched the caf-brown eyes, the firm jawline and the hint of stubble that coated it, the miniature crease between the thin, dark eyebrows, the long, full lashes - no, Kylo Ren never could forget the face of Poe Dameron.

 _We were just children with our eyes opening,_  
 _And you were all that I could see._

Kylo thought back to when he and Poe were children, two little boys playing in the woods of Yavin 4. Little did they know then that one would be destined to soar across the planets, and the other destined to destroy them.

Ben Solo was always the more energetic, extroverted one, leading Poe on countless "adventures". Shooting down Imperials, playing holosims, racing X-Wings - it was all just a game back then.

How things had changed.

Poe's mother died when the boys were still young. Things grew more serious. There was less laughter, less fire in Poe's eyes. Ben tried to support his friend as best as an eight-year-old could. Though Poe was naturally quietly independent, he let Ben take care of him the way a brother would. Things gradually began to look up. Poe started smiling again, started flight school, started a new life. Ben's situation, on the other hand, wasn't doing too well. Since he had discovered his Force sensitivity, he was often in argument with his parents. He just wanted to be normal. Leia wanted him to go to his uncle, Luke Skywalker, to learn how to control his power. Han didn't believe in any of it. Poe's father died not long after the fights began. Ben and Poe's interdependent friendship gradually grew into something more during the turmoil and pain. A deeper connection, a more emotional bond.

Love.

 _You came close enough to know my heartbeat,_  
 _But still not close enough for me._

Ben and Poe lived off of stolen moments, each knowing that the other's time was short. Soon, Poe would graduate and become an enlisted Republic pilot. Ben would get shipped off to his uncle some time or another.

Thin tears leaked out of Kylo Ren's unconcealed eyes as he remembered the final fight, the last goodbye.

"They said I'm too dangerous -"

"Not to me, you're not! You're fine! There is nothing wrong with you -"

"You - how can you say that? After what happened?"

"That wasn't your fault, Ben. Accidents happen."

"Well, it shouldn't have happened. You could have died, Poe -"

"Look at me and listen carefully. We don't have much time. Someone'll find me here, Ben, no, please. The accident was not your fault. No, stop! Stop! Please, don't blame yourself. Please, Ben."

"Poe-"

"Ben-"

It had been their first kiss, hastily shared in a storage room of the Resistance hangar where Ben's ship sat ominously, waiting to exile him to Luke's custody. Kylo softly brushed his lips with gloved fingers, remembering Poe's gentle touch.

It was also their last kiss.

 _Through the good times and the bad,_  
 _You were the best I never had,_  
 _The only chance I wish I had to take._  
 _There was no writing on the wall,_  
 _No warning signs to follow._  
 _I know now, and I just can't forget._  
 _You're the best I never had._

On the other side of the galaxy, flying ace Poe Dameron was looking up at the stars from the Resistance base on D'Qar. BB-8 nudged his leg, beeping softly.

Poe smiled. "No, BB. Just thinking."

Beep, beep, whir.

"Well, I'm not tired."

A very insistent whistle.

"Okay, fine, I'm coming."

BB-8 happily led his friend and master back to his room at the pilot quarters, chirping occasional idle comments.

Poe rubbed his eyes as he keyed in a code that slid his door open. Taking off his jacket, he crashed on his bed and kicked off his shoes and socks. BB-8 plugged into a power socket and shut down with a small cooing noise.

"Night, BB," Poe responded, staring at the ceiling. He sighed, running a hand through his cafbrown hair. Tomorrow morning, he'd be leaving for Jakku on a special mission for General Organa.

He really needed to sleep.

 _In this motel, well past midnight,_  
 _When I'm bluer than a bruise,_  
 _You come drifting in through the half-light,_  
 _In your funny yellow shoes._

Poe had barely closed his eyes when an old nightmare flashed before him. He wasn't quite sure whether it was a dream or a nightmare, but the same vision had haunted him for too many years. Dreams surface from memories, Poe knew, and this one had a very bitter taste.

Ben was there. He always was, and he always left. Poe always chased after him, but Ben always grew farther and farther away, always asking, always pleading, "Don't let go of me."

And then the moment would come when Poe was hit with a burst of energy and the distance between them closed, each holding the other like the galaxy was ending. There was always a soft, gentle kiss, a brief touching of the lips before Ben was snatched away, torn to shreds, and Poe snapped awake, calling out his friend's name.

Poe sat up abruptly in bed, sweat pooling on his forehead. He stood and poured himself a glass of water, humming to settle his racing heartbeat. He caught himself humming an old melody he'd learned when he was a kid . . . back home n Yavin 4.

Poe walked to his window and glanced out at the starry night. Was Ben still out there somewhere?

"Ben," Poe whispered softly, "I miss you. Please, come home."

 _And I hope that's you standing at my doorway,_  
 _That that's the scratching of your key._  
 _And I hope this song I'm singing someday finds you,_  
 _Wherever you may be._

The next morning, Poe boarded a blue T-70 X-Wing and flew out to Jakku. It was late afternoon on the desert planet when he arrived at Lor San Tekka's front door.

Meanwhile, the First Order also had their sights set on Jakku. Kylo Ren and Captain Phasma each took a squadron of stormtroopers in a dropship, accompanied by two other ships. It was more than enough to subdue a handful of people.

The village burned that night, and Poe Dameron was its only human survivor. Kylo Ren recognized his old friend instantly; Poe still did not know what face resided behind the mask.

It was all Kylo could do to keep from calling out to Poe as they transported him back to the Finalizer.

 _Poe . . . I've missed you, too._

 _Through the good times and the bad,_  
 _You were the best I never had,_  
 _The only chance I wish I had to take._

Poe was silent throughout the whole trip, his mind focused on the failure of his mission. How could he have just left BB-8 on Jakku? Who knew what kinds of predators or scavengers were scouring the wastelands for a prize like the spherical astromech?

They landed in one of the docking bays of the Star Destroyer, and two stormtroopers roughly escorted Poe out, removing his stun cuffs. It would be beyond foolish to fight First Order soldiers on a First Order ship, and even then, there was nowhere to run.

He was led to an interrogation chamber and strapped to a metal frame that seemed to be part-table, part-chair. Then began the standard process of interrogation.

Each blow was precise, no energy wasted. Poe's interrogators were obviously well-trained in their field. Even so, Poe was better trained to resist. Physical pain would disappear. Physical wounds would heal.

Little did Poe know that the stormtrooper interrogator was just a warm-up. About an hour of beatings and probing injections passed, and the tall, dark figure of Kylo Ren entered Poe's interrogation chamber.

"I'm impressed." The voice that echoed from behind the mask sent chills down Poe's spine. "No one has been able to get it out of you, what you did with the map."

Poe flashed a pained smirk. "Might wanna rethink your technique."

Kylo took a deep breath, fighting back the waves of emotion that threatened to consume him. "Where did you put it?"

"Where did I put what?" Poe responded innocently.

 _Damn it, Poe, just stop_ , Kylo pleaded mentally. With practiced coldness, he said darkly, "All time is transitory, and mine especially so. This will go more quickly and less awkwardly if we dispense with this childish nonsense."

Poe's voice grew firm. "The Resistance will not bow to the likes of you."

"As you wish," Kylo said, choosing his next words carefully. "There is no 'Resistance' in this room. There is only you. And me."

Closing his eyes so he wouldn't have to watch, Kylo stretched his hand over Poe's forehead, drawing on the Force to bring him what he wanted.

Poe's body arched forward under the influence of the torture. His screams and shouts pierced Kylo's ears all too clearly.

 _Please, Poe, stop fighting me._

Whether or not the pilot had heard him, Kylo found what he was looking for. An orange and white BB droid. Poe's body slammed against the metal slab as Kylo released him.

Kylo turned his back on Poe, preparing to leave, when the pilot's ragged voice called out to him. ". . . Ben?"

 _There was no writing on the wall,_  
 _No warning signs to follow._  
 _I know now, and I just can't forget._

Kylo faced his former friend, who was still panting heavily, his head lolling to one side.

"Poe," he replied.

"So - it is you," Poe said wearily. "You're - Ben -"

"My name is Kylo Ren," Kylo interrupted swiftly. "You would do well to remember it."

"Wha - how -?" Poe struggled to find words, finally settling on, "Why?"

 _You wouldn't understand if I told you,_ Kylo thought, purposefully not directing it at his prisoner. Instead, he asked, "What gave it away?"

Poe shook his head. "You've been in my head before, pal. You don't remember? You tend to leave your mark."

Kylo nodded, very much remembering the accident that had cost them each other. "I see. Very well then, Poe. I don't think we'll meet again."

"Well, if that's the case," Poe began, then stopped. He sighed. "I never got to say thanks for sticking around me when we were kids. So I'm saying it now. Take the message back to my friend, will ya? He's still in there - tell him I love him." Poe paused. "Ben was the best thing that ever happened to me."

Kylo fought to keep his voice from breaking as he turned his back on the best thing that had ever happened to _him_.

"Goodbye, Poe."

 _You're the best I never had._


End file.
